How to Make Your Point Without Raising Your Voice?

Phew! This is a hot topic in our home and it has become one of those areas I have to actively work on D.A.I.L.Y. Conflict Resolution is an area not many of us want to get real with and I suppose it’s because the tension forces us to get real with ourselves. Being raised by a company of strong women really enforced some mindsets and realities in myself that were challenged when we got married. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally thankful for those who contributed to who I am today but there were some areas that came to light that scared even me, someone who Chris got to know better after we moved in together – uh oh. It gets ugly some days and it still does sometimes but that’s the reality of what combining different personalities looks like at times. The strong woman in me wanted to make my point known and not give way to my husband to present his case so I would kick my voice up a notch or two hoping that he’d hear me better and understand my way of things – who was I kidding? 😂 We would battle for days, simply because:

1-  I either didn’t shut up or

2 – I kept raising my voice

Now can I be real? Yes? Okay, thank you! When you are single, you’re accustomed to your own space, own pace and your own time. When you get married your space, pace and time are shared with another person who is moving at their own pace, in their own time, in their own space. It gets messy! Very early in our marriage, I had to learn the gift of shut up. And let me tell you – it gets tough! That means, not arguing your point and yelling at the man but simply taking a moment to process and speak up respectfully. I STILL battle with this because again, I was accustom to saying what was on my mind and moving right along but now I have to really consider his thoughts, emotions, and well-being. When you walk into your union there are loads of lessons to be learned, some will be taught but many will be experiential. Remember you two are in this together.

I’ve learned that getting loud doesn’t make Chris hear me any better lol, actually he’s told me on numerous occasions when I get loud he doesn’t hear a word I’m saying, just noise. This frustrated me because I thought he was trying to play off the fact that I was upset but honestly when things cool down and we work on recollecting what really happened, he legitimately doesn’t remember what I was raising my voice about. I can laugh at myself now but my lessons are in tow – true story.

To paint a realistic picture for you, there have been times I’ve been at the mercy of my husband and he has extended grace on grace ( God bless his heart & *cue the praise break* ). It’s especially in those moments that I humble myself swiftly and settle down the strong woman. I’m learning to discuss my position and add my point of view from a level-headed place instead of a place that’s infiltrated with frustration. The end result doesn’t always match the ideal response but the effort to try is a step in the right direction – don’t give up! And ask hubby to keep you accountable too. Chris gives me the eye signal when my voice is reaching the “too high” limit and that’s my cue to bring it down a few notches. Healthy relationships, in general, will shine a light on our attitudes and the crevices of our lives that need a little more grace and love – marriage will especially do this. Marriage is like a real-life classroom teaching lessons as you go if you allow yourself to become a student. None of us is perfect so next time things get heated, try to think about taking a moment to calm down first rather than amp it up to those few notches. ‘Cause 1 he isn’t hearing anything but noise and 2 we all need a little more grace and love in our lives. Seriously, take a second and ask – do I need to be loud right now?

Here’s to more tender-hearted and fruitful discussions even in the face of disagreement 🥂 *cheers*!

Shaq 💜

8 Comments

  • Reneika says:

    Phew* Cheers!

  • marquita says:

    Hi
    I try not to get to loud but I am 😊.He is not understanding my point and feeling and when I just be quiet he needs an answer which I know is going to not go well.Help

    • Hello Marquitta, thanks for stopping by. What I’ve found works for me is expressing that I’m feeling frustrated about what’s happening and I’m in need of time to process my emotions without going overboard. I start to get loud when I’m frustrated and haven’t given myself time to process the emotion so I I’d respond to from a place of being upset rather than trying to communicate what I’m upset about. On the point of being quiet, if it’s on the verge of “silent treatment” where you may deliberately shut down on him this has the potential to create more tension – so again it’s going to call for a step of humility on either side to find a solution. Honestly, this is from a personal perspective and it’s like a trial and error kind of method – I haven’t always gotten it right but I keep trying at it. So perhaps you can try sitting with hubby and talking through where he’s at and you sharing where you’re at in an effort to get on the same page. Pride and egos will have to be set aside if you guys want to make progress.

      P.S I also received your email and I’ll be responding today.

      Hope this helps!

  • Latoya says:

    Oh Lord! What a banger! I know for sure that’s a sore topic for me. But have you ever been in a situation where you both got your points across but he keeps pushing his as if he wants you to disregard your opinion? It’s incredibly frustrating

    • YES! Oh my goodness, I have been there. We’ve had to come to terms with the fact we have two VERY different opinions and agree on the difference of opinion because going on and on gets very draining. We’ve also revisited the topic at later points to review when we’re less “heated”

  • Shontelle says:

    Awesome read! and def life lessons galore! I can so relate to being a strong personality and wanting to be heard in the moments when you want to be but it good to have a perspective shared such as this, so that further clarity is brought and practical steps on, how to be that better spouse/ significant other! thanks for the transparency!

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